An Unexpected Journey
by grumpyheroine
Summary: Thirteen odd people head off on an adventure to reclaim the mountain and treasure of Erebor from a dragon, bringing along their can't-cook-if-her-life-depended-on-it reporter/burglar, and her cousin the wizard. Everyone finds there's more to them than meets the eye. / A Hobbit Parody
1. Introduction: Lois reads the Hobbit

**Oh dear. When I wrote this, I was NOT intending to post it for people to read. But why the hell not? I always thought the Smallville (and Justice League characters) could be extremely entertaining if you replace them instead of the dwarves. And Lois has too many hobbit-like qualities to let pass (aside from shortness and hairy feet, I mean. And cooking. And-oh, well, she's like Bilbo, anyway. Hmmph.) Here's the prologue. It's real short, cuz this points us in the direction of a hole in the ground lived a hobbit. But then again, the hobbit had moved out, so now an obnoxious reporter lived there.**

PROLOGUE:

"Are you reading?" Chloe Sullivan said as she stepped into the Talon apartment.

"No!" Lois said quickly, stuffing the novel under her pillow.

"You listened to me. You're reading the book. Aren't you?"

"No. Never."

Chloe reached between the couch cushions and pulled out the book Lois has just stuffed in it when Chloe came in. It was a worn out copy of the Hobbit. "Uh huh."

"That's Clark's."

"Liar."

"Fine, so I was curious. It's about a stupid little man who likes to eat. What's so great about it?"

"You and him have a lot in common then. Well, except he can actually cook."

"I'm getting there!"

"Reheating Chinese in the microwave doesn't count."

"Hmmph."

Chloe laughed, and dropped onto the couch next to Lois. "So, how far in are you?"

"Um… the first page."

"Uh huh…" Chloe pointed to the coffee stain on page 200. "I don't believe you."

"That was Clark's."

"You already tried that on me. And Clark doesn't spill coffee."

"Yes he does."

"And catches it before it falls. Super-reflexes."

Lois hrrumphed and stomped out of the room—probably to finish her book without being teased.

Chloe sat on the couch, chuckling to herself. It was kind of a funny idea, that. The door to the room closed, and she could hear her cousin making herself comfortable in bed as she settled to finish reading the Hobbit. The blonde bent down and pulled her own copy out of her backpack. She'd been intending to re-read the book herself for a while now. She opened it to the first page, and started to read.

_In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, hole..._

She hadn't gotten far in before she began to feel drowsy, and her eyelids, of their own accord, started to close.


	2. One: An Unexpected Party

CHAPTER ONE: AN UNEXPECTED PARTY

Ina hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Bilbo sat outside, smoking a pipe that nearly came down to his woolly toes. Chloe frowned, and suddenly, the scene changed slightly. The Hobbit was replaced with her very tall cousin, smoking a cigarette.

"I thought you quit. It's not good for you." Chloe stood above Lois, leaning on a staff, wearing a long robe, and she had an odd pointy hat.

Lois coughed on the smoke in surprise, and looked up. "I am. I only smoke once a day."

Chloe waved the staff and the cigarette went out.

"Well, we've reduced it now to zero a day."

"Oh."

There was a moment of silence. Then, Lois's usually un-polite brain seemed to finally lose the battle and agree to play by the rules.

"Good morning," Lois offered.

Chloe had a sense of déjà-vu.

"What do you mean by good morning? Are you wishing me a good morning? Or that it's a morning to be good on? Or that it's a good morning whether I'd like it to be or not?"

Lois blinked. "Um… all of 'em, I suppose."

There was another moment of silence in which Lois looked glumly at her put-out cigarette. Chloe wondered if she was actually thinking of using a pipe. That was a funny thought.

"I'm looking for someone to take on an adventure."

"Hmm, have fun," said Lois absently, going through a pile of envelopes.

"Shouldn't you put on a pair of shoes?"

"Why? I just put nail polish on them."

Chloe shrugged. Her cousin's logic never made any sense. Then again, this was _her_ dream. Not Lois's.

"Well, uh… I'd better get going," Chloe said lamely. There wasn't much of a chance Lois would agree to just go off on an adventure. Might as well get on with things.

"'Kay. How 'but you come for tea tomorrow?" the un-hobbit-like supposed-to-be-a-hobbit said. Chloe opened her mouth to respond, but before she could,L ois had slipped inside through the door—why was it so round and small? She bumped her head on the ceiling—and closed it. Then she opened it, and poked her head out, bumping it on the ceiling again.

"Be here at four!" she said, and ducked back inside, closing the door. Chloe raised an eyebrow as she heard the key turning in the lock. What was Lois afraid of? It was just her cousin. Shaking her head, the blonde stepped up to the bright green door, and scratched a JLA on it. Then, whistling, she headed off.

In Bag-End, Lois was standing in the hall feeling confused. "Wait…. Why did I invite her to tea? I never drink tea."

Deciding it was odd, and she was feeling glum from the lack of cigarettes, she went to go see if there were any other donuts left. She'd just had breakfast, but a donut was nice. And coffee. Mmm. No tea for this girl, that's for sure.

And so the next day came. Lois completely forgot about the plan. Not that that was unusual. She forgot most things. Ad unlike Bilbo, she didn't actually write them down. Perhaps it would have been good to do.

There was a knock at her door. She pulled it open.

"Oh good. Pizza's here." She paid the guy (who looked a lot like Jason Teague, Lana's old boyfriend) for the pizza, and walked inside. She had the box open on the table, and was just about to start eating a piece...when the doorbell rang. That was odd.

Then she remembered she'd invited Chloe over.

"Oh, shoot," Lois muttered, and started shoving clothes into the fireplace so Chloe wouldn't see the mess. Hopefully her cousin wouldn't stay long enough for her to need to actually light the fireplace. She stuck dirty dishes under her bed cover (she'd have to change the sheets later), and told Shelby to go hide in the pantry. The dog ignored her and curled up on a rug.

She kicked Shelby into the cellar to stay out of their way, and finally ran up to the door, panting.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," she was going to say.

But it wasn't Chloe. It was a woman dressed all in black, along with a blond-haired guy bouncing up and down like he was hyped up on sugar. No sooner had Lois opened the door when the woman shoved her way inside.

"This is the place, right?" she asked.

"The place for what?" said Lois.

"The party."

"There's a party here?"

"Of course. Selina Kyle." She held out her hand to shake. Lois just blinked.

"I'm Barry Allen," the hyper guy added.

"Um, Lois Lane," said Lois.

"Got anything to eat? I'm starving," said Barry.

"I just got a pizza… you can come have some. There should be enough for thre—"

"Great!" Barry pushed passed. Selina followed. Lois blinked. What had just happened?

They hadn't been at the table long. Barry had eaten all of the pizza except one piece, which Selina had. Lois sat awkwardly to the side, not really sure what to do. She hated company. And she had been really in the mood to eat pizza.

There was another ring at the door.

"Must be Chloe," Lois said, and opened it. It wasn't.

It was a tall, handsome, dark-haired guy with glasses who looked like and idiot, along with a shorter red-haired kid with freckles.

Both looked like serious nerds. Lois groaned.

"What?" she grumbled.

"We're, um, we're—we're here-," said the red-head.

The tall handsome guy with nerdy glasses sighed. "I'm Clark Kent. This is Jimmy Olsen. We're here for the party."

"Party?" said Lois.

"Hey guys!" Barry waved. "Come on in!"

Clark and Jimmy pushed past Lois into the hobbit hole, which most definitely hadn't been built for her, and both of them had to bend down as they headed down the low hall to the dining room where Selina and Barry were.

Lois was out of pizza. She didn't offer to cook anything, so ducked into the pantry and hunted for potato chips and other food she might have to serve. Between Clark and Barry, it would have to be enough for ten normal people.

The doorbell rang. Lois wasn't surprised. But she was annoyed.

"No, no," she grumbled. "There's no one home! I'm out… playing tackle football with my sister! Go away!" she called.

The door popped open. Lois glowered at the group marching in.

"Hey!" said the blonde. "Oliver Queen at your service," he bowed.

"And Hal Jordan!" Hal bowed too.

Lois just glowered at them. Realizing their advances on the pretty girl wasn't working, they went inside to join the others. Three more had arrived during the conversation. Tess Mercer, Lana Lang, and Arthur Curry had all joined the table the table. Arthur was soaking her kitchen from the water.

Lois sat in the hall, groaning. This was a REALLY bad day. She buried her head in her hands. When there was a knock at the door. Not the bell, but a harsh rat-a-tat-tat on her green round door.

"Dammit! Go away!" Lois hollered. "Lois Lane has left the country! Please leave a message after the beep! BEEP!"

"Open the door, Lois!" Chloe's voice came through the wood. Lois perked up.

"About time," she said. She yanked the door open, and five people tumbled onto the front mat. None of them looked too happy about that. Lois couldn't care less. She still apologized six times, but no one seemed to care, and the four were introduced; Diana Prince, Kara Zor-El, and Dick Grayson.

The last two people were Kent Nelson, and a little kid named Billy who kept muttering Shazam over and over.

Standing nearby. Leaning a a staff, wearing a weird pointy hat, and laughing, was Lois's (now officially one of the most annoying people in the world) cousin Chloe.

"You should be more polite Lois. It's not nice leaving visitors on the mat."

Lois glowered at her.

"Well, let's see..." Chloe said as she and Lois walked inside and glanced around. "Everyone here? ...Dick, Selina, Diana... Kara, Kent... little Billy... Oliver and Hal... Jimmy... Clark! Hey Clark!" Chloe waved to Clark, who grinned and waved back. "Lana's here, Tess... someone's missing. Who's missing?"

"He said he'd be late," Selina said, walking up with a catty grin. In fact, some of her friends called her Catwoman. "Had to pick some things up. Said to start without him."

Chloe put her hand on Lois's shoulder and steered the steaming reporter into the dining room, where everyone was setting up dinner. Or whatever meal of the day it was. Lois had lost her appetite.

And so started the night that emptied Lois's house of all things edible and drinkable. People were all over the place, and Lois looked around in complete confusion in all the chaos. She usually didn't mind this kind of thing, but there were so many people.

"Hey!" Lois snapped at Tess who was opening a bottle of wine. "I'm saving that for a special—"

POP! The cork whacked her in the face. "—occasion."

The party continued, everyone eating merrily, and Lois sat on a stool by the fireplace (her clothes had been dumped somewhere else-. Someone had started a fire in it now) munching on a graham cracker and glaring at anyone who dared to look at her, even for a moment. Clark was the biggest idiot, because he kept giving her a friendly grin, and she would have thrown something at him, but controlled herself.

When they'd finished, Lois tripped into the kitchen. "Damn them," Lois said allowed. "Why won't they help?"

Lo and behold, Dick, Hal, Jimmy and Clark all appeared, and before Lois could blink, had whisked away the dishes and cleaned everything up.

When they finished, they returned to the dining room, where Chloe was watching everyone talking and smoking. Lois coughed.

And Chloe had yelled at her earlier. Maybe if she'd smoked a pipe, it would have been different. But pipes were annoying. Maybe a cigar, like her dad used. Clark, Jimmy, Hal, Ollie and Dick had all sat down, when there was a knock at the door.

What was the point of the doorbell if people were just knocking? Lois sighed, and opened the door. A tall man was glaring down at her. She glared back defiantly.

Finally, he said, "interesting."

"Excuse me?" said Lois in confusion.

"So be it," said the man, successfully confusing Lois even more.

"Huh?"

"You asked me to excuse you, didn't you?"

"I... I... did?" said Lois.

The man nodded, as if satisfied with how the conversation had gone. "I'm Bruce. Bruce Wayne."

"Lois. And I'm NOT at your service, so go bother someone else."

Now it was Bruce's turn to be confused. Selina grabbed Bruce's hand. "You're just on time, babe. Have a bite to eat, and then we can discuss our quest." Bruce and Selina entered the hall and left Lois standing by the door, gaping. She wasn't sure why. She had this weird feeling Clark was supposed to the late one.

_Whatever ideas you have, Lane, keep them to yourself from now on. Like inviting Chloe to tea, _Lois thought grumpily. _This way you won't have thirteen strangers in your living room. But hell, Clark is good looking..._

She closed the door and returned to the dining room. Bruce had finished eating-yes, Lois had spaced out in the hall for that long-and had started talking. She tuned him out. She didn't care about treasure. Or dragons. Or some quest they were planning on going on.

So she daydreamed until Bruce grabbed her shoulder and pulled her to her feet.

"Wha—what? I didn't do it!" Lois said.

"Didn't do what?" Bruce asked.

"Um… nothing."

Bruce looked confused. Anyone who's ever seen Bruce with a confused expression would know it doesn't suit him.

"I was just explaining that you're our reporter."

"What? I'm a what?"

"Reporter. You can call it an expert treasure hunter if you want."

"How the heck is that related?"

"It just is."

"Um… oh."

Bruce nodded. "Another common name is burglar."

"I've never stealed anything in my life," said Lois.

"Stolen," Chloe muttered.

"What?"

"The correct term is stolen."

"Either way, if you want an expert treasure hunter, looks like you'll need a real good one with where you're going. The best, in fact."

"And are you?" said Barry.

"Am I what?" said Lois.

"She said she'd do it!" Hal cheered.


End file.
